Balance

It can be hard when you feel pulled in so many directions to find balance in your life for everything, everyone, and all of your emotions. Every time my hands are full with Allison, Keala of course acts out in order to gain my attention. It is impossible to pull her out of trouble when I am suctioning Allison though. Every time the phone rings Keala thinks it is her beloved Grammy Sue calling to talk to her and only her...or I have to suction Allison right then. Unfortunately I am required to field lots of important phone calls regarding supply deliveries, insurance matters, doctors appointments (hers and mine), or just checking in with doctors.

Yes there has been a nurse here while Jeff is at work, but Allison hasn't been having the most restful of nights and Jeff is up with her most so I can stay sane during the day. So, that means in the mornings he sleeps in while I count the minutes until the nurse comes. Yesterday was the one day the home health company had difficulty with staffing so Jeff called and we had a family day and took turns napping. That is one reprieve, Keala still naps and she sleeps well.

The other balance I could talk about is just that it never feels like there is enough of me to go around to the house. The dishes are stacking up as well as the trash, the litter box is full (poor KiKi) and the laundry might be clean but I don't know where to find it. I haven't cooked in I don't know how long (thanks to MOPS) but there are still a mountain of dishes and there is a ton of food in my fridge that I don't want to go to waste, but I don't have much of an appetite.

Balancing my emotions...that's a whole another rant. I'm angry, sad, guilty, and just plain irritated I can't do it all. Now...I know that's not really possible but I want to be able to. Sometimes I feel like I should have a place to point those emotions but they just come back at me. I'm also angry that my family is spread all over, because they are so emotionally supportive having been through this, so to speak with me. I was a sick child. My mom is to busy to come help, my sister has a huge family and a full time job, my brother lives in Hawaii and has a very important job...my Dad has a ranch he runs by himself (he even calls himself 'not much of a kid person') despite that he is going to come any way to be another set of hands. Why, because I can't suction, feed Keala, change diapers, and go pee all at the same time...before I lose it. Speaking of emotions I think/know I am crying right now.

Some of the MOPS moms have been so great to call and offer to take Keala to play dates in the morning...if you are reading this keep them coming...it's hard to ask. (pride and emotions get in the way).

Jeff...here's what I can say about him...he is the most wonderful teammate, husband, father, caregiver, compassionate, thoughtful, partner I could have ever asked for. God knew what he was doing when he molded him for me and when he brought him to me on a silver platter. Ok it wasn't a silver platter it was more like a light shone down on him while he opened his mouth and inserted his foot, HAHAHA.

Amy (I think it's still me)